Thread: A Moonlight Siege

Pale moonlight shone over a cave, glittering with numerous shining crystals piercing out of the wall. Many darkened figures slowly walked through a pathway, leading toward the moonlight shining from a hole in the mountain which housed the cave. A group of 20 or 30 unknown figures reached the light, allowing the light to fill their sight. It was a horde of Clefable, Clefairy, and Cleffa, all of which were going to the clearing around the ceiling crevice. One pair was leading the back of the gathering, a Cleffa and Clefairy, who were conversing with each other in hushed tones.

"Big Sis, hurry up! I wanna see the ritual!" The small Cleffa would say to the Clefairy. "Now, now, calm down. They won't start without all of us.." The older sister would say. The two would continue to walk with the others, until all of them had reached the clearing. One of the larger Pokemon of the group, a Clefable, would go toward the very center where the moon shone down, as the rest of them formed a circle around the shining light. The Clefable began to speak, and the others would silence immediately.

"My sisters and brothers, tonight we gather to celebrate the full moon and the prosperity of us all!" The Clefable would speak, as the cave walls echoed it around. "We shall begin with the evolution of some of our Clefairy that have come of age." She'd call out. Several of the Clefairy began to rise up from the crowd, and walked to the center with the Clefable. "This mountain blesses us with the power we need to evolve and to grow stronger, the Moon Stones. Tonight, we shall recognize some of us that have shown their place in our clan, and are ready to evolve." As she finished her sentence, 6 Clefairy were standing near the presumably female Clefable. "Tonight, these six brave Clefairy will venture deep into the caves to test their bravery and retrieve their Moon Stones. Once they have, they shall be allowed to evolve and become true protectors of the clan!" She'd say, with a loudness in her voice. "Big Sis, why aren't you going up there?" The tiny Cleffa would say, as the Clefable continued to give a speech.

"Oh, Cleffa, you know I'm not old enough yet.." The Clefairy would say to her younger sister. Sadly, only a few short months ago, the Clefairy had to take up the Cleffa's care, as her mother had vanished one night searching for food. Cleffa was too young to remember it, at least. "Aww, I hope they'll come back with those shiny rocks!" Cleffa would say to her sister. The Clefairy would let off a soft sigh, before putting Cleffa into her lap. "Alright, are you all ready?" The Clefable would say to the 6 Clefairy, all of them nodded a yes. "Then, let the hunt begi-"

A loud crash would sound throughout the cave, cutting off Clefable's speech. "What was that?" Clefable would yell, as a hushed murmur began to spread throughout the group. However, their question would be answered, as a group of humans began to emerge from the darkness from the way they had entered. The crowd was instantly alerted to them, as they spoke to one another. "...You sure the rare Pokemon are here, boss?" one would say to the other. "..That way!" Another one would chime in, pointing to the crowd of the Pokemon. As they stepped into the moonlit clearing, the visage of a group of Team Rocket members were clearly seen. "These things are worth a fortune, them and their Moon Stones!" one of the grunts would say.

Being backed to a corner, many of them began to huddle to the other side of the clearing. "W-what are those weird humans, sis?" The Cleffa would say to her older sister, who was quivering in fear. "I..I don't know.." The Clefairy would say, quite unsure of the situation at hand. Several of the grunts had already sent out their Pokemon, an assortment of Golbat, Nidorino, and Raticate stood between them and the path out of the cave. "Sisters and Brothers, are we just to stand here and take it? They have the advantage, but we will not fall to some humans!" The Clefable would shout to the gathering. However, the Clefable's call didn't do much to inspire them, as they continued to cower as the Rocket Grunts approached.

Suddenly, from the crowd, Cleffa ran out in front of them. "I won't let you all hurt my family!" She'd say. "LITTLE SIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Clefairy would call out from the crowd, utterly shocked. The other Clefairy exclaimed their surprise, and tried to get the Cleffa to run back to the crowd. "Big Sis, we gotta fight these humans! They'll take us away!" She'd say back to them. "...Little Sis....Fine! I'll help." The elder sister would say to Cleffa, as she emerged from the crowd amidst the suprise from the crowd. Soon, all of them had come to Cleffa's side, facing the Grunts with a newfound vigor. "We won't fall without a fight, Sisters and Brothers!" The Clefable would say to the others, as they faced the grunt's Pokemon.

Several of the Clefairy charged at the Grunt's Pokemon, attacking with various attacks, such as Moonblast and Magical Leaf. The two sides clashed against each other, both sides not seeming to gain much of an advantage as the grunt's Pokemon just keep coming out, eventually beginning to outnumber them. Eventually, despite the Cleffa's bravado, they could not hold out much longer against the onslaught of Pokemon after Pokemon, many of which having the type advantage.

"Sis, look out!" Cleffa would say to her bigger sister as she fought. "What is it, little si-" She'd be cut off as a Golbat grabbed onto Clefairy's side, and began to lift her away. "LITTLE SIS!" She'd shout to Cleffa as she was flown off by the Golbat. "B-big sis!" Cleffa would call back, but Clefairy was already too far away to hear her little sister's cry. Cleffa, panicked, would run behind the crowd of Clefairy fighting on, letting out a wail as she went. Eventually, only a few Clefairy were left fighting, as many of them had been captured.

"Stop right there, Team Rocket!" Called a loud, booming voice a ways behind from the grunts. "This is the International Police! Put your hands up!" The humans shouted at the Rocket members. At that sign, many of them started to run, only to be blocked by said International Police members. Although some of the members had escaped, such as their boss, most of grunts were caught by the police. As the chaos began to die down, only 15 or so of the horde were left. Cleffa ran out of the crowd toward the humans that had saved them, and one of them approached her. "Hm, this little one seems deserted." One of the officers said, looking at the Cleffa. "Did those mean people leave with your family?" the officer would ask, with Cleffa nodding. "I feared so..I'm sure we can find you a good trainer to take you in.." The officer would say, picking up the Cleffa. "We'll take you to the nearest local station, a good trainer will take you in." For a moment, Cleffa was a little happier, knowing she'd be safe from those bad people.

"Hm.." A young trainer was looking around the center, when something caught his eye. "..What about this one?" He'd say to the local police officer on duty. "Well, this little one got displaced after a Team Rocket attack on Mt. Moon, and we need a trainer for her." The officer would say. "...I think I can do that." He'd say to the officer, staring eye to eye with the Cleffa. A smirk grew on his face, as the officer handed over the Cleffa to him, along with a Pokeball. "You have a good day, and take care of that Cleffa well!" The officer would say to him, as he left the building holding the Cleffa in his arms.

Characters: 7556
Pokemon Attempt: Cleffa (Simple 5k-10k)
(Thanks for reading, potential graders! For a 2nd story, I think I like this a lot more than my first.)

claiming ^^

Story:

Wow, I love the way you opened this story! The description of the cave was the strongest moment of description in the whole story and really gave me a feeling for the camaraderie of the Clefable clan. You've got quite a fun premise here that you could really build upon in future stories: rights of passage, proving oneself to the whole clan, emerging victorious after a quest to secure something like a moon stone! Although this story was short, I see a lot of promise in this story for future works that take an idea such as this and really run with it! I hope you keep on writing for that reason ^^

Also, you did a much better job with pacing in this story than the previous one! The story's well-rounded out in terms of the time it takes to narrate each part - up until the moment when Cleffa wakes up. She just got swept away from the Clefable clan she cherished, and now some random officer's claiming her as his own - whoa, whoa whoa! Slow down and tell us more about what happened here. What was this Pokemon's feelings as this happened, as you had reflected the feelings of her with the Clefable clan? What did she think of her new trainer? By delving into details like this and considering what the main character thinks at every step of the story, I think you can create a solid anchor to figure out how you can pace the events of your story with enough explanation. I also think adding more detail about the physical descriptions of the police officers and their office would have helped here.

Something to think about for future stories - otherwise, this was quite the lovely piece ^^

Description:

I loved the description of Mt. Moon! It would have been exciting if that level of description was also present for the Clefable clan themselves; it helps to think of your reader as a person from an alien planet that doesn't have Pokemon c; You always want to describe what the Pokemon look like, places, new surroundings, etc. Typically, the more involved or relevant a character is, the more description you can add for that character as well! It works wonders for building up future characters and helping the readers envision your world.

Grammar:

We have a few small issues here that can be easily worked out with enough practice. For one, we always want to type out numbers under 100. So for example, the numbers 20, 6, and 15 would have been spelled out as twenty, six, and fifteen. This prevents disrupting the text with a different type of modality.

Slight issue with quotations:

"Big Sis, hurry up! I wanna see the ritual!" The small Cleffa would say to the Clefairy. "Now, now, calm down. They won't start without all of us.." The older sister would say.

The action part of the sentence which describes the words being said (ex: person said, person exclaimed, etc) are actually still a part of that sentence. For that reason, we want to leave the action part lower case, connected to the part before the quotations ends with a comma. Every time a different character speaks, we also want to begin a new paragraph like so:

"Big Sis, hurry up! I wanna see the ritual!" the small Cleffa said to the Clefairy.

"Now, now, calm down. They won't start without all of us," the older sister replied.

Oooh surprise! I also changed something else too~ "Would" is an auxiliary verb that either has no tense or would be present tense, which makes its placement here a bit passive. Typically, most people write in the past tense; most of your story here is also in the past tense, which would make using "said" much more favorable than "would say."

We also want to vary up our verb usage. There are so many action verbs for dialogue! Said, expressed, replied, asked, mused... it would certainly be a worthwhile exercise to experiment with these verbs for dialogue and vary it up for future writing!

Length:

mhhhm perfect length here~!

Outcome:

CLEFFA CAPTURED! You've written quite the cool piece, and I hope you continue writing!