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Thread: [SWC] Fish Out of Water

  1. #1
    d r e a m e r Felly's Avatar
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    [SWC] Fish Out of Water

    There were tales of a world outside of the sea. Fish dreamed of reaching this fabled land, but not many reached this place. It was a place they were taught about in fish schools, but it was a place they'd never see in person. Pictures would have to suffice for these young fish. Some dreamed about it, but those that did usually let their dreams die out. Some even made the trek to what was called the Surface World when they were old enough.

    Those that did never returned. Predators would eat them before they could reach the surface.

    Those that did would return, but by the time anyone saw them again, they had passed away.

    It seemed as if this Surface World, as beautiful as it looked in pictures and as beautiful as it sounded in stories, was more dangerous than anything else. The beauty that it was praised for in pictures and stories was just a disguise to hide what this place truly was.

    Remmy the Remoraid wasn't going to let the disguise fool him though. He'd go up to the Surface World and write stories about it and bring them back down into the sea when it was his time to leave, when another fish made his or her way up to the Surface World. Other fish would truly know what this place was like from the pictures and writings that Remmy would bring back. He was sure of it.

    He had graduated from fish school last year, and he had spent the past year since graduation preparing for his trip to the Surface World. As the last of his family to graduate from fish school, he didn't have to attend today's graduation ceremonies since he had no family members graduating this year, and none of his younger friends invited him to the ceremony. Next year was a different story though as his Remoraid cousin would be graduating, but by then, Remmy hoped to be on the Surface World.

    On the morning of graduation, Remmy swam off. He had his worn brown knapsack hanging from his body, and he swam through the ever so familiar waters. Remmy had never wandered far from home before, so while he had heard of the dangers the area outside the colony posed to him and the other fish within the colony, he held no fear. He'd spent the past year preparing for this day. He was ready for this moment.

    It would take him some time to reach the surface. The weight of his bag would slow him down, but he needed supplies for his journey and for when he got to the Surface World. There was food for his journey, and he'd scribbled down the instructions that he'd been taught in school by his tenth grade teacher, a Gyarados that once dreamed of going to the Surface World but had his dreams crushed by the Carvanha and Sharpedo that roamed the waters closer to the surface. Mr. Gyarados still had his battle scars and was thankfully able to return to the colony alive, and Remmy was grateful for that because the teacher had been his biggest supporter when it came to this journey.

    Much of Remmy's time in the water had been spent close to the bottom of the sea. He didn't want to swim upward yet, and he would need to rest and eat too. Being able to hide from predators would be good, especially if he got farther from home. When it was time to swim up, he would know it. Mr. Gyarados said he would know it. All the stories Remmy had been told said he would know it.

    That time came a few days after he left for his journey.

    He felt strange in this part of the sea. Remmy wasn't sure how far away he was from home at this point. His bag felt lighter. It wasn't completely empty, but it was light enough for him to swim upward and not be weighed down by it.

    So swim upward he did.

    Up and up and up and up.

    "Shaaaaaaaaaaaar!" a shark-like Pokemon cried out. Remmy tried to swim faster, but this was as fast as he was going. The shark's fangs scratched Remmy's small blue body.

    "Rem!" the fish said in a muffled cry as blood poured from the wound. He didn't let this stop him from swimming upward though. He held onto his bag firmly with his mouth and swam up with all his might. He couldn't fight back lest he drop his bag into the sea, and he couldn't afford that. He needed the rest of the supplies in his bag. They couldn't just go to waste.

    "Shaaaaaaaaar!" the shark roared. Remmy flinched at the sound. He could feel the water around him moving. The Sharpedo that chased him was getting closer, he could feel it. This was it. He was going to die here. He wouldn't make it to the surface. He couldn't fight back.

    Remmy turned and opened his mouth. As soon as he did, not only did the bag fall from his mouth, but a steady stream of bubbles came from his mouth too. Those bubbles hit the Sharpedo in the nose, and the shark flinched. Remmy swam down and grabbed the bag with his mouth and swam the rest of the way to the surface.

    There was a bright light as Remmy emerged onto the surface.

    When he woke up, he was laying on the sand. He had to shield his eyes with his arm in order to keep the sun from blinding him.

    Wait... Remmy had arms. He had legs. He had a body. He was human. How was this possible? He sat up, looking around. No one was here on this beach with him. The waves crashed on the shore and allowed water to flow up before receding back into the sea. His bag was next to him.

    The last thing he remembered was being attacked by the Sharpedo. He looked at his side; there was a wound there, but it had scabbed over by now.

    Remmy shivered. He grabbed his bag and pulled out the clothes he had brought with him. They were surprisingly dry, despite having been underwater for so long. He put on the worn t-shirt and the black slacks that he'd gathered from the bottom of the sea and got up. As soon as he did, he stumbled and coughed. It wasn't long before he fell back down on the ground. He found himself gasping for breath and was forced to crawl to the water. He stuck his head underwater and breathed.

    When he pulled his head out of the water, it was like taking a breath of fresh air.

    He reached into his bag and took a container out. He put it in the water after taking the lid off and pulled it back out when it was full; he put the cap back on it and put it back in his bag. If the water helped him just now, it'd help him later. Someone was bound to be here to help Remmy out. Someone had to be here. No one that had been lost had suddenly reappeared in the colony, and Remmy's departure was the talk of the colony.

    Would he have been able to leave if someone wasn't up here? Someone had to teach him the ways of this Surface World, didn't they?

    He shrugged and walked off, leaving the beach he'd washed up on and exploring the town nearby. There was a lot of hustle and bustle, and people kept walking into Remmy. Every few minutes or so, he'd have to take a sip of the salt water from his cup. He was suddenly glad he'd gathered that. He just hoped it would get him through until he found someone to help him out.

    Remmy stopped at a sign. "AQUARIUM ^," it said. "COURTHOUSE ->." He was a little surprised he could read this, but nevertheless, he followed the sign's directions and continued north towards the aquarium. Between the two options he was provided, Remmy figured that an aquarium would be more helpful to him than a courthouse. If not, then at least Remmy knew his way to the courthouse.

    As he approached the aquarium doors, he paused for a moment. He stood and stared at the glass. Looking back at him was a young man with bluish-grey hair and pale skin; his eyes were pure black. This was the human form he'd taken on.

    "Yo, are you gonna come in or not?" a brunette male called to Remmy. He was standing at the door holding it open for the fish turned human.

    "Huh?" Remmy said, his voice cracking a bit. Now he was talking. He let out a quiet gasp, and the brunette just shook his head and murmured something under his breath as he let go of the door and joined his friends.

    "I can talk," Remmy said softly. "I can talk..."

    He slowly stepped forward and into the aquarium. He was able to sneak past the crowds of people and into the areas where fish swam around in large tanks. The majority of the people were by the Milotic exhibit, and for good reason. Milotic was such a beautiful Pokemon. He looked around the room, and his eyes fell upon a Remoraid and Octillery exhibit.

    A bit of anger swelled up inside of Remmy. Was this what happened to his kind when they were captured and taken away from their homes? They were locked away in these tanks? It was one thing to willingly leave home, but it was another thing to be forcefully taken away from home and locked away in these tanks for the rest of one's life.

    He tore his eyes away from the Remoraid and Octillery exhibit and gazed upon the Seel and Dewgong exhibit instead. A lone male stood in front of this exhibit. He looked like an older male with white hair, and he was dressed in all white too. Remmy took a sip of his salt water and approached the male.

    "Beautiful Pokemon, aren't they?" Remmy said as he gazed into the tank. The Seel and Dewgong inside looked pretty happy. They had a little blue ball to play with, and the Seel were tossing it around in a circle while the Dewgong watched.

    "Yes, they are," the man replied. Despite his white hair, he didn't look nearly as old as his hair color would imply. He wasn't exactly the most youthful person, but he wasn't wrinkly like an elderly person would be either. "Your name is Remmy, is it not?"

    "How..." Remmy breathed. He had to take another sip of salt water before continuing. "How did you know?"

    "The color of your hair, the way you looked at that Remoraid and Octillery exhibit, and the way you're drinking salt water from an old jug," the man replied. "I'm Seamus."

    "Nice to meet you," Remmy replied.

    "I was a Seel before I found my way back up here. When the colony I lived in was attacked by rabid Sharpedo, my parents were killed. With nothing else to live for, I searched for this Surface World I'd heard so much about," Seamus said. "And I found it. I was taught by a Milotic by the name of Melissa. She was a beautiful woman, and it was a shame to see her go."

    "So now you're going to teach me?" Remmy asked.

    "Yes," Seamus replied. "And I think we should start now because you're running low on that salt water."

    Seamus was right. Remmy had already drank a lot of his salt water, and he was bound to run out sooner or later. He was suddenly grateful that he'd run into Seamus when he did. If he hadn't... well, Remmy didn't want to think much about that.

    Seamus led the way out of the aquarium and to a nearby bus stop. When the old, shabby bus arrived, they boarded; Seamus swiped his fare card, and then paid the fare for Remmy. They got off a few stops later and entered a shabby apartment building. The paint was chipping off the walls, and there was a bit of graffiti on the walls.

    Seamus' apartment was the complete opposite of what the outside hallways looked like. A lot of the stuff inside was white, but it had splashes of blue here and there. "I'll eventually pass this place down to you," Seamus said as he opened the fridge, a splash of black in this white void. He took out a bottle of water and handed it to Remmy. "Here, drink this."

    Remmy took the bottle and drank it. As soon as he placed the bottle on the counter, the room started swirling. If it hadn't been for the bits of blue and black in the room, Remmy probably wouldn't have noticed.

    When he woke up several hours later, it was dark outside. The lamps were on in the apartment, and even with the lamps on, the brightness of the room hurt Remmy's eyes when he woke. He went to reach for his salt water, but all he got was thin air.

    "Where... where's my water?" Remmy asked slowly. His throat felt awfully dry, and he really needed that water.

    "You won't need it. That first drink I gave you was a potion that'll help you thrive in the human world," Seamus replied, picking up Remmy. "Now that you're awake though, we need to get you in a salt water bath immediately or you'll die."

    Remmy didn't respond, and he was too weak to try and fight Seamus. He just let the older man drop him into a tub full of salt water. As soon as Remmy's body touched the water, he felt like a new man. He was able to relax in the tub. The worn clothes he wore were soaked now, but he didn't care. What mattered was that he was alive and that he felt wonderful as he soaked in this bath.

    "You'll need to take one of these twice a day: once before you go to bed and once when you wake up," Seamus explained as he took a seat on the edge of the bath. "If you don't, you'll die. Your body won't react to drinking salt water anymore. That stopped when I gave you the drink earlier."

    Remmy nodded. All of this was a lot to take in, and all he really understood was that he needed to take salt water baths twice a day to not die. As long as he understood that, he'd be fine. "Is there anything else I'll need to know?"

    "Lots," Seamus replied. "It's going to be a lot to take in though. I'll teach you something new once a day, and hopefully within a month, you'll have it all down and I can return to the water to pass away."

    The next day, Remmy woke up and took his salt water bath, this time naked. It was the first time he'd really gotten a look at his body since he'd arrived in this new world. The last time he was naked, it was when he washed up on shore, and he was more concerned with finding help than learning about his new body.

    Now that he had Seamus, he could ask him for help. He could teach the Remoraid turned human what this world was like.

    Once he was done bathing and getting dressed, he took a seat at a desk in his room and took to writing in his journal. He'd bring this back down to the ocean with him when he had to return, whenever that would be.

    "You might want to find a way to keep that safe once you go back underwater," Seamus said. Remmy jumped and turned to see the human Seel smiling at him from the bedroom entrace. "Didn't mean to scare you, I apologize. Breakfast is ready though."

    They reconvened at the kitchen table, where a plate of french toast and sausage had been prepared for Remmy to eat. A pitcher of salt water was situated in the middle of the table, though two smaller glasses were filled with the water already.

    "How can I keep my journal safe though?" Remmy asked once they were both seated.

    "I'll take you to the store later so you can get a newer one and something to protect it with. I've seen the children around here use what they call page protectors to keep things safe," Seamus replied. "They put them in binders too."

    Remmy nodded. He'd have to transfer all his notes into this new binder he got later, but as long as it kept his writings safe when he returned to the ocean, the slight inconvenience didn't bother him in the slightest. Maybe that was why no one back home knew of the Surface World other than the rumors that had floated around. None of the writings made it because they hadn't made it down to the bottom of the ocean. Now that he thought about it, he remembered finding his journal in a plastic bag, and it seemed pretty damaged when he took it out earlier.

    After breakfast, the pair made their way to a large store that had the words "Walmart" written in blue letters above the entrance. People were constantly coming in and out of the store, and the people walking out had shopping carts full of items that Remmy had never seen before. Seamus grabbed a cart and led Remmy into the store.

    "Grab whatever you'd like," Seamus said. "If you want, you can wander around the store. We'll meet in the electronics section."

    Remmy nodded. He followed Seamus around for a bit to get a feel for the store. There were so many people in here. He found himself looking around at everything: the items on the shelves, the people, what they had in their carts, what Seamus was grabbing and putting in the cart... he even nearly ran into people a few times and had to apologize.

    Eventually Remmy found the confidence to wander off on his own. He made his way to the other half of the store, the half that Seamus seemed to be bothering as he made his way through the same two or three aisles in the time Remmy had been with him.

    This was like a whole new world. There were clothes that took up a large part of the center of the store. Female clothes were in the front, male clothes were on the opposite side of the lingerie. He made his way over there first, looking at the clothes and feeling the various fabrics that the clothes were made of. The denim of the jeans felt awkward, but he liked the feel of the polyester pants he stumbled upon. He grabbed a few pairs of those as a result. He grabbed some solid color shirts in a package, some boxers (those seemed the most comfortable to him since he had seen another male grab a package of them), some socks, and a few t-shirts with designs on them. He didn't quite understand the designs on the shirts, but the ones he picked up were ones he thought were funny or interesting.

    He saw an empty shopping cart in the men's section and after awkwardly looking around and not seeing its owner, Remmy dumped his things in it and pushed it along. He could see the electronics section, but he was tempted to wander around more. Seamus recommended a binder and sheet protectors, and Remmy wanted to try and find those. Before he ultimately left the men's clothing section though, he threw some more clothes into the cart as well as a couple belts and a wallet.

    As he left the men's clothing section and saw the selection of shoes the store had, Remmy felt a bit of guilt as he made his way over. Would Seamus really be able to pay for all of this? What if he couldn't? He didn't want to go without food, but at the same time, he liked all these things too.

    And he needed shoes.

    It took him a little while, but he was able to find a nice pair of shoes in size nine and a half that he liked. They were solid black with black shoe laces, though Remmy picked up a blue pair and threw those in the cart too.

    It was after leaving the shoe section that he stumbled upon beauty products. Remmy turned his nose up to that. He didn't really need any of that stuff. He was a guy. If he did need any of it, Seamus would tell him about it and he could get some then. Toys were a no go. Remmy was too old for that sort of thing. Fabrics and craft materials were beyond that, and then he finally found the school supplies.

    They were spread across two aisles, but Remmy was able to grab a binder and the sheet protectors like Seamus had suggested. There wasn't much else on this aisle Remmy was interested in, so he pushed the cart over to the next one. It was there that he found a wide selection of pens, pencils, and notebooks. He grabbed a few packs of pens, a few packs of pencils, and a few notebooks. He found some packages of paper that were just the sheets, and he grabbed a few packs of those too. The plastic protectors that Seamus had told him about were over here too, and he placed those in the cart before leaving the area.

    Remmy wasn't even sure of what he was going to do with all this, but he had it all in the cart now. He took the short walk over to the electronics section and wandered around over there. The video games weren't very appealing to him, so he more or less glossed over those without a care in the world. Much of the electronics were just accessories, though he found the laptop computers and found himself gazing at those. A piece of technology like this wouldn't hold up when he went back to the big blue ocean. It was so fascinating though. The way the screen just lit up when he placed his hand on the keyboard and lightly pressed down on it was simply magical.

    This whole world was magical.

    The way he changed from a Remoraid, a fish-like Pokemon, to a human being... the way he was able to speak, walk, talk, everything a human was able to do, he could do it too. And Seamus could too. Remmy wondered if Seamus felt this way when his mentor introduced him to this world. He made a note to ask Seamus about it over dinner. For now, he'd just get one of these magical contraptions called "laptops."

    He reunited with Seamus at the designated meeting place after getting his laptop. There was a nagging part of Remmy's mind that worried his mentor wouldn't be able to pay for all of what was in Remmy's cart. He watched as Seamus used a self checkout lane to scan and bag all of his items. Remmy started to help too, of course, just to expedite the process, but he paid close attention to what Seamus was doing.

    "Your turn," Seamus replied as he took the last of his bags from Remmy and put it into his cart. Remmy nodded and pulled his cart a little closer to him. One by one, he pulled out an item, scanned the barcode (which was easier said than done for some items), and bagged it. When the bag was full, he put it into his cart. All his clothes stayed together, all his journal supplies stayed together, and his laptop got its own bag.

    Seamus took over once Remmy bagged his laptop. The young fish out of water didn't want to look at the total cost. That was much too intimidating, especially knowing how much stuff he had picked up on his own. How was he even able to buy all this stuff? Where did the money come from? Was it all magically loaded onto this card that Seamus swiped? Was it like that for all humans?

    "How do you have the money for all this stuff?" Remmy asked over dinner.

    "The first Pokemon that ever came up here, a beautiful Milotic by the name of Madison, married into the family of a millionaire. They never produced a child, but as the family had no heirs after her husband, she left it to her successor in this world, a young Krabby named Kevin. Since then, the riches have been passed on to the next Pokemon to come to this world," Seamus explained. "Some Pokemon opt to get jobs once their predecessor goes back to the sea, but others, like myself, just choose to live a life of solitude."

    Remmy nodded, but it was in that moment that he decided that he didn't want to be like his predecessor. Once Seamus went back to the water and turned into a Seel once more, Remmy would go out and find a job and work. He'd retire just before returning to the sea.

    That first month passed by quickly. Over the course of it, Remmy wrote down his thoughts, primarily in a blue pen as it reminded him of his own appearance. He was once covered in blue and gray skin. Now he just had fair skin. He burned easily in the sun. All of it was archived both on the computer he purchased (that he was still learning to use) and in the binder he had purchased.

    He had a blog called Remmy's Thoughts. Apparently, there was a game in this world based around Pokemon because he was able to find pictures of himself online. He was even able to find pictures of Seamus online. Remmy showed Seamus, but his mentor only stressed the importance of keeping their true identities, the fact that Remmy was truly a Remoraid and Seamus was truly a Seel, a secret. Remmy already knew this though, and he had described Remoraid as being his favorite Pokemon while Seel was Seamus'. No other Pokemon that had traveled to the Surface World archived their thoughts online before Remmy. It was uncharted territory, but he was excited to dive into it.

    Alas, the day finally came for Seamus to return to the sea. The mentor and mentee traveled to the sea where Remmy first came up and discovered this world. They traveled in silence until Seamus stood at the water and took his clothes off, tossing them aside. Those very same clothes flew in the wind into the water and absorbed it. It would be some time before they actually sank to the depths of the ocean.

    "Good luck, Remmy," Seamus said as he backed into the water.

    "Thank you," Remmy replied, nodding. "For everything."

    Seamus nodded, more and more of his body becoming enveloped by the water. Soon enough, he was submerged in it. Remmy stood and watched for a moment, taking a picture of the water as the sun set. It truly was a beautiful picture, and it would go well with his blog entry for today's events.

    A white seal-like creature flew out of the ocean, drawing Remmy's attention. It had tan around its mouth and a horn that poked out of its head. It was a Seel. It was Seamus. It dove back into the ocean just as quickly as it came up. Remmy smiled. Seamus the Seel popped back up again, and this time, Remmy quickly took two pictures. They wouldn't be pictures he'd share online, just to protect the future Pokemon that would come to the Surface World, but he'd cherish them and share them with his successor, whenever he or she came along. When it came time for Remmy to return to the sea and transform back into a Remoraid, he'd bring one of the pictures back down with him.

    Just because he didn't want to be like Seamus didn't mean he didn't appreciate anything that the Seel had done for him.

    Pokemon: Seel {Medium, 10-20k}, Remoraid {Medium, 10-20k}
    Character Count: 24899
    Author's Note: When you finish your story the day SWC's due. This story's like a year overdue, but better late than never. Hopefully this is decent enough for a couple of Mediums!!! Please forgive this monstrosity of a story at the very least.

  2. #2
    Resident Derp Elysia's Avatar
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    mmmmmm claimin' <3

  3. #3
    Resident Derp Elysia's Avatar
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    Schwoops! Here we go~~~

    THE BEGINNING STUFF

    I really liked your introduction! It told the surface pun intended details of what was going on, but it left a lot of unanswered questions that kept me reading. You did a great job of sketching out a mystery world—I loved the way you used broad strokes (things like fish schools, young fish journeying to the Surface, the beauty described in the pictures) to sketch out where the story was going, and then you filled in with finer details as the story progressed. It felt like the perfect length and segued really nicely into the rest of your story, so overall this was great!

    The other technique I really liked here was the way you structured your paragraphs—the first, bigger paragraph followed by two very small paragraphs looked great on the page and were really good at setting up the suspense for what followed.

    THE PLOTTY STUFF

    Just because he didn't want to be like Seamus didn't mean he didn't appreciate anything that the Seel had done for him.
    ^the story in a nutshell!

    At its heart, this is literally and metaphorically the story of a fish out of water. The way that you balanced these two themes definitely made your story more interesting to read: it was a cute story of adventure (Remmy goes to the surface!) whose plot was inextricably tied to a deeper metaphor (what it means to belong to a society), which let you address this theme without having to shoehorn it in. This structure was really interesting, and I think you used it effectively enough to keep the story running even when some of the other bits started to drag a little.

    The gist here: good stories typically have a point, something that I can go back to when I’m done reading and be like “mmm yes this is why I read this story and thought it was good.” Whether you want me to laugh, to feel exhilarated, or to tell me a message (I feel like you were going for the last one here), there’s usually some sort of takeaway that I can have. This is something that I’ve watched evolve in your stories throughout the years, and I think this is a great improvement, so I wanted to point it out here!

    Overall, the backbone of your plot was well-structured. The smaller details, however, were a little trickier to follow. I’ll split this into two sections that, honestly, end up going hand-in-hand: worldbuilding and pacing.

    Worldbuilding
    There were lots of good things with worldbuilding here. I liked little details like the schools of fish it’s another pun and Remmy’s shock at going to the aquarium. However, there were some points where the world you set up didn’t really make sense. Are all Remoraid named Remmy and all Seel named Seamus? Is that way Seamus knows Remmy’s name right off the bat? How do Seel understand the economy? What does taking a bath have to do with breathing above water, and why does Remmy have issues breathing above land in the first place? Why is there a Pokémon game in a world where Pokémon are super common?

    In this particular case, where you’re going into the details of what it means to belong somewhere, the somewhere that you’re constructing is actually super important! I think this story would’ve been a lot more effective if we’d really gotten the feel of both the Surface and the underwater worlds—that would’ve shown how different these two places are, and in turn would’ve shown how different Remmy is from one/the other/both. Instead, the underwater world is glossed over pretty quickly, and the Surface world is a weird snapshot of our world mixed with some new details.

    So you have a lot of interesting facts/mythos building up here, but how do you make them feel like a complete world? What you have right now are surface details—things you might see going down the street or doing a quick google search, or the exterior stuff that makes up the tip of the iceberg that we call culture. Things like “there is an underwater world and an above ground world and these worlds are mostly separate except for a few fish who dare cross the boundary” are surface details. They’re very important, but they don’t fill in all the gaps. How is this boundary crossed? Why is it crossed and what happens to them? You end up answering these questions during your story as well, and that’s good, but it’s the next-tier of details that you didn’t quite address: what is each world like, and why are they separate? How do these differences tie into making two distinct worlds?

    All this being said, you don’t have to create a completely new fictional culture to tell a good story! The trick is in giving enough details to outline the world enough without tipping your hand too far, which brings us to:

    Pacing
    Sometimes, I think you went way into detail, and that slowed the actual plot of your story down a lot. It’s hard to focus on the overarching story when your actual words are talking about Remmy and Seamus using the self-checkout line and describing how they scan barcodes and put things in bags and organize their purchases into different bags and then swipe a credit card and so forth. What made this even odder was how little these paragraphs impacted the rest of the story—Remmy writes some stuff down, but I’m not sure if we needed to know the color of his binders and pens and so forth.

    On one hand, I can kinda see where you were going with this: it did a good job of showing how lost Remmy is in the Surface. On the other hand, this is a brand-spanking-new fictional world that you can describe, with all the possibilities you could ever imagine open to you, and your way of showing that the Surface is ~magical~ is by detailing a task as mundane as buying groceries. On top of that, I’m pretty sure you spent more time describing Remmy/Seamus checking out of Walmart than you did describing the entirety of underwater life, which honestly made the whole “fish out of water” thing a little hard to follow.

    In essence: it was hard to see Remmy as a fish out of water because we were never exposed to the water in the first place. Without the worldbuilding of the Surface/not-Surface worlds and the pacing heavily favoring the germane aspects of the Surface world that end up looking just like ours, Remmy doesn’t really feel that out of place. And that’s definitely not what you were going for! Having the point of your story tied to the plot is the first step (which you did really well!), but now you have to start tying in the rest of your story’s details into the mix as well.

    THE MECHANICAL + LENGTH THINGS

    Herp derp you had like 1.5 typos but otherwise this was great. Outside of the pacing thing, length checks out, too.

    THE PRETTY STUFF

    You’ve been writing for quite a while, and we’ve definitely reached the point where I can’t be like “dis how u do commas.” Writing is ridiculously subjective, so take things here with a grain of salt.

    One thing I noticed in your language was a lot of melodrama—big, flowy sentences that used lots of words to say very little. It’s basically when you jump to conclusions to say fancy things or exaggerate your plot/action, at the expense of actual logic or characterization. Think the teenager throwing their hands in the air and going “omg no one in the whole world understands me or what I’m going through,” even though that probably isn’t the case. Don’t be the mopey teenager! (Unless you have a story-based, justified reason to!) For instance:

    Those that did never returned. Predators would eat them before they could reach the surface.
    Good! Ominous! Scary things happening here!

    Those that did would return, but by the time anyone saw them again, they had passed away.
    But this is the very next sentence, and it basically contradicts the first once. The fish never return. Except those that do return, out of the ones that never return, who return too late for anyone else to see them.

    …melodrama isn’t particularly frowned upon because it’s stylistically wrong, per se; rather, it just makes the story more convoluted + makes your prose feel out of touch. More often than not, you do a great job of avoiding this (and sometimes you border on the side of having too much logic and description rather than too little), but it’s those times that you don’t that make me stop and do a double take.

    When the old, shabby bus arrived, they boarded; Seamus swiped his fare card, and then paid the fare for Remmy. They got off a few stops later and entered a shabby apartment building. The paint was chipping off the walls, and there was a bit of graffiti on the walls.
    Shabby, shabby, fare, fare, walls, walls. Be careful repeating words!

    Now he just had fair skin. He burned easily in the sun.
    I just really liked these two sentences a lot. They conveyed a ton of information really efficiently.

    THE FINAL THINGS

    Overall, this story felt a little disjointed—there was lots of detail for some unimportant aspects and very little detail for some very important aspects—but it was still an enjoyable story. You kept a light-hearted tone around that I really appreciated, and you told a cute tale while stretching out of your comfort zone a little.

    As such, I can happily say both Pokémon captured. Nice work! was gonna add a terribly fishy pun here but decided against it

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